Amid the discussion to realign the conferences, the Oregon School Athletic Association has moved quickly to adopt the Harrison Bergeron Doctrine in an Emergency Session to promote and enforce an even greater equality within the ranks of the student athlete in high school sports. This bold and sweeping move was recently adopted in states such as New Hampshire, Minnesota and Vermont. Simply stated, the Bergeron Doctrine will eliminate inequality that runs rampant in high school sports. The doctrine is named after Harrison Bergeron, who, though immensely talented with superior skills to most anyone of his generation, made the ultimate sacrifice to illuminate what a wonderful world it would be if all things are equal.

Over the past several years, the outcry from outraged parents lamenting the growing gap between the 'haves and have not's' created such a disparity that the OSAA, coaches, AD's and concerned parents have righted this wrong with this innovative new direction that will also streamline and remedy the situation between conferences. Now an Aloha and a Jesuit will be evenly matched in football. Milwaukie and Oregon City will be a 'pick'em game in girls basketball. How is this possible you ask? As the new edict moves forward, then the perfect outcome would be all games end tied and are played into overtime infintum as one OSAA official said.

When asked how the OSAA plans to implement the Bergeron Act, OSAA Sports Information Director Steve Walker, agreed to talk but only on a condition anonymity. Dressed in throwback Jack Ramsay tartan plaid slacks, Walker looked fetching as he spoke 'off the record' between rounds at Bullwinkles Country Club in Wilsonville. "Over the years, the calls of grieving parents, calling at the behest of their emotionally wounded student-athlete got to be too much to bare. The parents would be enraged that the state's newspapers could print such lopsided boxscores. Football scores of 49-13 and basketball scores of 82-19 can cause great emotional damage to the fragile psyches of the student athlete, and only the staid and level headed parent can often keep their child from harms way after a big loss. "

There is already some conflict on how to level the playing field to where a child with no skill at a particular sport can succeed as easily as one who has vested time and emptied the collegiate nest egg at the chagrin and consternation of their ambivalent parents. According to Walker, in scenario A, a coach from the losing team may pull an elite player from the winning roster and either bench them or play them on their own team. Depending on the progress of the game, the losing coach may continute to pull from the ranks off the winning team while sending a player from their own team over to the winning team until an 'equilibrium' has been reached. In scenario B, which seems to be the favored mode, more talented players will be fitted with devices to decrease their potential output thus rendering them more 'typical.' For example, an all-state quarterback with a tremendous passing arm may be fited with a shoulder harness that makes a football feel like throwing a 16 pound shot or even electifies the throwing shoulder so that extreme pain is felt. As a game goes on, that quarterback would get apprehensive throwing that frozen rope pass downfield. For basketball, taller players would be required to wear ankle weights. The taller the player, the greater the weight so that smaller players have equal access to a loose ball or rebound. Great shooters would be required to wear glasses or goggles that woud give the basket a fuzzy or smaller than normal appearance. Walker said that Nike is working with the OSAA in partnership to develop goggles that make a basket look like 'you're looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.'

Some AD's and coaches would like to see more talented players, in particular the fast and quicker players, wear a special shoe that looks something like 'the big oversized clown shoe.' "We've seem the beta prototype shoes from our friends in Beaverton and a kid that usually wears a size 11 would be fitted with a shoe eight sizes larger and we put weights on one shoe and spring load the other. We nixed the idea of making them into pumps after watching too many of our volunteers go down with ankle injuries. We scrimmaged a group of all-state players using the special googles and goulashes, as we like to call them, and after 32 minutes, the game ended tied 6-6. Terrence Jones had 4 points and one of the baskets he scored was a 'header.' It wasn't pretty but we may attract a new fan base who appreciates the 'comedy of sports' said Walker, off the record. For the record, Jones was fitted with 30 pound ankle weights, 25 pound bracelets and fitted with the special 'distance goggles.'

Should Option B get approved, and it appears the school districts around the state will do so , state lotterty funds will provide the revenue for the 'goggles and goulashes as well as other apparati.,' This move also provides the OSAA for then taking care of the league realignments as well as the 'transfer issues' that have plagued the OSAA like the deer flies that plauge the caribou on the North Slope of Alaska. "It's quite possible you could see a league with Crow ending up deadlocked with league rival South Eugene in a Friday Night football game. Then during the winter, Jesuit could lose to Jewell and Oregon City could tie Corbett. Why would you send your kid to a private school when the best you could hope for is a 50% win-loss record? The inspiration to succeed has been squished like a bug on the windshield of life" said Montana Wildhacket, an opponent of the doctrine and the lone picketer outside the OSAA offices.

Regardless, the wheels are set in motion and the new ruling becomes effective April 1st, 2009. Gone will be those dastardly powerhouse schools that rule their leagues with supreme arrogance. In their place will be a myriad of our children playing on a field or court or track with an equal chance to finish where everyone else does. Tied for first. How wonderul to see every high school athlete regardless of talent, or skill, or heart or desire stand with their very own trophy!

*writers note-the above was inspired by my friend Wally of Wilsonville who recently punched my 'reset button' while I whimpered about a good basketball team 'pouring it on' against another team. In the middle of my whine he cut me off with two simple words...."Harrison Bergeron." For those not of 'the 70's,' it was writer Kurt Vonnegut's homage to the pitfalls of equality with a short story in "Welcome to the Monkey House." His reply was the perfect comeback to my snivelling. Also a thanks to Steve Walker at the OSAA who good naturedly volunteered to be be my 'fallguy.'