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I've just returned from Los Angeles after meeting with high ranking executives from American Broadcasting Channel where I signed on as Executive Producer of a new reality television series that is cutting edge and sure to be the blockbuster when it premiers next September 10th, going up against the likes of Keifers "24." It will be called "Worlds Worst Coach" and all of America will sit spellbound for an hour every Monday Night as we 'try and condemn' America's worst coaches.
Believe it or not, they are calling Oregon the "Cradle of Bad Coaching" much like Pennsylvania used to be called the "Quarterback Cradle. " In fact, the 'suits with mustaches' (as Colin Cowherd likes to call'em) think that our own state has enough bad basketball coaches to keep the program running through the Spring Sweeps of 2014. The panel was very impressed with the list of inept candidates by just looking at the different forum boards, where thousands of trained unbiased and incredibly intelligent professionals were allowed to trade viewpoints on the steady stream of highly idiotic and unqualified coaches. They noticed one coach made an assistant coach shake hands with the starting five of the other team. In another instance, a coach had the gall to run a 1-2-2 Zone when clearly a 2-3 Zone should have been employed. The list of incompetent dunderheads grew so quickly, it only cemented the handshake deal that allowed me to quickly return to Oregon and begin filming. In fact, Morris Goldenstein, the senior advisor at ABC shouted excitedly, "there's more bad coaching going on up in Oregon right now than flies in an open-doored outhouse on a hot summer day!"
First let me introduce our panel of judges. Trained professionals guaranteed to know the X's and O's as well as the 'ins and outs' of the sport.
Bill Fitch-Viewers will be as intrigued with his amazing red 'rug' atop his head as his 1106 losses he amassed during his NBA reign. He won't carry on much in the way of dialect but was hired on more for 'eye candy' than any other reason.
Donald E. Sterling-Easily the losingest owner in all sports franchises, Bill Fitch can attribute many of his 1106 losses to Sterling, who one year eliminated a trainer and made Coach Paul Silas tape ankles himself. Sterling has a glossy portfolio that includes a sex scandal a couple of years ago that had the league in upheaval with laughter as David Stern, all to familiar with 20 year old NBA stars in sex scandals, was forced to negotiate a quiet buyout for the leagues biggest tightwad.
Charo-Should volunteer a ton of truly enlightening information for the laymen viewer as to what makes a good coach versus creates a bad coach. Plus her Big Red Hair and multi-botoxed, collagen lip enhancement and other 'fluffed up body parts' will make a nice contrast when sitting next to Bill Fitch.
Richard Simmons-I really didn't care about the studio executives insisting on Simmons until I found out that he 'tailored' most of John Stocktons shorts over the years. I also did not know that he was a decent Point Guard for many years under the stage name Ernie DiGregario (his pre-permed era) and in fact hit a couple of buzzerbeaters for the Buffalo Braves which in turn added to Cleveland Cavalier Coach Bill Fitch's loss total. Also his presence should bolster ratings from all the large Germanic women with large wattles under their arms who consider Richard Simmons as "one of their own."
Gilbert Godfrey-Can you imagine anyone else hosting a show who will bring out the 'worst' in these vermin who patrol our pristine courts? Ruining the lives of so many parents who only wanted a fair shake for their child. Coaches who blatantly disregarded designing an offense specifically designed for their child. Not to mention a defense that allowed their child to gather their strength while the other four lackies on the floor actually contributed to the team. Gilbert will be unmerciful to these bloated egos. *Gilbert Godfrey in on unpaid sabbatical from Hollywood Squares but will be allowed to pitch his new CD of Barry Manilow tunes he recently re-recorded with none other than "Worlds Worst Coach" Musical Director, the Fabulous "Esteban!"
Casting calls will begin February 1, 2007 and we will begin audtioning soon after. If you would like to nominate someone or feel that as a coach, you qualify for the Grand Prize, a three year contract at $3000 a year (or $4.28 an hour which ever is less) at a school with marginal talent and parents with Grand Illusions, please e-mail us your bio at '
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